Hi. I'm gonna talk about something that has been bothering me for years. It is personal in a way, but I'm sure some of you can relate, so I'm gonna talk about it.

If someone asked you ''Are you who you want to be?'' What would you say? Some people would say ''Yes absolutely'' while some people would say ''I don't know'' or ''I guess''. Then there's some people who would say ''No, absolutely not''. I'm one of those people. Since I started 6^th grade, 5 and a half years ago, I've felt like I don't know who I am. It's hard to know exactly who you are at that age, when you're so young and you hardly know anything about life. Still, I wanted to know. I felt so lost, I let people treat me how they wanted because I thought to myself ''I can't speak up now, I can't change now all of a sudden cause that will be weird. I can't stand up for myself because I will sound like a total bitch and I don't want them to leave'' Man, do I regret that? YES. Like crazy.

I felt like I couldn't be who I wanted to be, acting the way I wanted cause everyone already had a picture of me drawn. Like, that's who I am. I am that shy, quiet blonde girl who hardly speak. That's how people saw me. Even my best friend at that time.Sure I talked a lot when I had my friends around, but I didn't randomly strart talking to strangers. I dont know what I was so afraid of, or what I thought would happen if I said what I was thinking. Maybe the world would go under? Or maybe I would loose my friends. I remember one time, my teacher said to me ''Wow, so you actually have a voice''. That wasn't because I stood up for myself, or talked to someone I didn't know, or held a presentation in front of the class. It was because I answered a question with a few sentences with my parents next to me. I can't say I talked more after that, I tried but failed. Sure, I got a bit older every year during this time, I started to speak more but it was never enough. I always had that picture that I couldn't replace with a new one. Was it because I wasn't ready? Or because the others wasn't? I don't know. Maybe a bit of both.

Because I had people who was holding me back like hell, it made it so hard for me to be myself. I never got the chance. I guess I am the person I've always been deep down, because I feel, or felt, comfortable with that person for so long. But that's not me! That's the thing, it really isn't. I'm sure everyone is different when they're alone. Because there's no one there to judge. Your family knows who are because they have known you your entire life. You can really be yourself around your family and some of your close friends. I am too, my family knows who I am. But I doubt anyone else does. My close friends really has a better picture of me now, like I'm okay with that picture. But I still don't like it very much. It's up to me, if I want that picture to stay or if I want them to have another and better one. The truth is, I want to change it. I'm using pictures as an example now because I think it works. Anyway, I have a few. No one has the latest one, that's for sure, even if I want so many people to have it. I'm getting there.

I'm someone starts talking to me, I can talk a lot without any problems, but my problem is to be the one who starts. I love talking to people, it's fun to get to know new people and all that, that's why I wanna get better at this whole thing cause I feel like I'm missing out. 

I've always wanted to be the person who has a lot of friends, who isn't afraid of talking in front of other people or strangers. The person who's funny and can make a lot of people laugh so easily. The one who's really good in school. But at the same time, the person who's fearless and just excited about life in genral. That positive person who can make every hard situation a positive thing. There's so much more to the list, but I'm sure you get it. The thing is, I know I can be that person, I know I can show people that person and just break out of this damn shell! But I could use some help. I don't know what bottons to push just yet.

I decided when I finished 9^th grade that I would be that person in high school, because I had a big chance of starting over. But let's be real, you can't go from 10% up to 100% during a summmer, that's impossible. So instead, I went from 10% to 40%. Now, I would say I'm at 65% so I've changed a lot over one and a half years. It's a good start and I'm glad I succeeded with that part.

A few years ago, like 2012 I made my first youtube video because I thought maybe that can help me. To like bring out my personality and all that. I guess it did help a little bit, but I made the mistake to stop. I don't know why, I guess I got a bit scared and uncomfortable. That's why I'm trying again. Now.

The reason I'm saying all this is because I need to get it out of my system. I want people to know this, why it has been so hard for me to be myself. I'm working on it, every day. I can stand in front of my mirror and just tell myself that ''Today is gonna be different, just go there and show them who you are'' sounds like a perfect plan. I'm going to school and do the complete opposite. Or, I'm still trying, but it feels like I can't do it. It's easy to tell yourself to do something but it's harder to actually do it. I know I gotta stop thinking so much and just do it and see what happens. That's the only thing I can do, right?

I have AMAZING friends. I have most of them around me every day, and I'm so so thankful for that. I know I fuck things up quite a lot sometimes. I let them down, I do things I regret right away, but still, they're not going anywhere. I don't get why they're all here sometimes or what I did to deserve them, but like I said, I'm so damn thankful. I love them all so much, I'm sure you know who you are

I don't want anyone to do the same mistake, cause it sucks! Just be who you want to be from the beginning, easier said then done but don't stop and you'll get there. Don't let anyone hold you down or stop you from showing your true colours xx

//Malia